Forest

Forest of what may be called

strands and fibers of I

from which noise, frays along

Bind or join or lash together 

whatever is left of strewn

beaten and worn

and sighing into the fog

with a smile 

and beating them until they are dry

and warm and they smile 

For what is a forest

or a rich man if he is not 

gilded green with drops

rolling down his hills 

and provided the right sound 

may release an avalanche of now 

a new now 

a new now can be here 

dry humor? sarcasm? sass?

 i can't fucking tell with this guy cuz most of the time i find myself just like... feeling defensive? and needing to justify or explain whatever it is?? is it their humor or sarcasm or are they just being an actually annoying smartass?

i do not see myself making friends with this guy

weird attitude

Discourse

Willingly shut the disclosures

of your appetite for what

can be called the pleasant noises

so overmade the volumes

Thus wheels spin of my machine

To where away and far

Basking in the titles I've made

as singular, one, and yearn'd

One of few prisons I've made

I travel and rack my head

O'er the floors up high

Tower of my creations

What I may ask is not

releasing the villain

For he obscures my vision and 

I throw myself down to the ground

To when I return will I hear

disdain or silence or judgment

So do I create false ballads 

of great joy?

Nor will they read the verses 

upon which I dissolved and throe'd

Or perhaps ask and analyze and pick

the grains upon my crown

So ride the wheels through a haze

of intoxicated light and movements

wandering wondering what will

stake within his abode

Atlas's Tarot 9/18/25

Perfect — thanks for sharing the cards. Let’s go step by step with the spread I suggested (situation → challenge → guidance → support → outcome), tying it to your job/money focus:

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1. Current Situation – 8 of Pentacles reversed
This is the “apprentice” card flipped — feeling stuck, undervalued, or unmotivated in work or skill-building. Reversed, it suggests you’re drained by the grind of school/training, or putting in effort but not seeing the payoff. It matches your feeling of not wanting to be in school and wanting real-world payoff instead.

2. Obstacle/Challenge – The Lovers
On the surface, this card looks positive, but in this position it points to a big decision. You’re standing at a crossroads: school vs. work, stability vs. risk. It may also reflect pressure from others (family, partners, authority figures) who expect you to take one path. The challenge is committing fully to a choice, instead of splitting your energy.

3. Guidance/Action – 8 of Wands
This card is all about momentum. Things can move fast if you act decisively. Applications, networking, interviews — if you focus and put your energy in, things can fall into place quickly. Don’t get bogged down by hesitation; trust your decision and move with it.

4. Support/Hidden Influence – The Emperor reversed
Normally the Emperor is rigid authority (rules, institutions, bosses, school). Reversed here, it shows that a break from rigid structures is actually supporting you — maybe you don’t fit neatly into the academic path, and that’s okay. It can also mean that systems around you (schools, jobs, bosses) may feel unstable, but that instability gives you space to carve your own path.

5. Likely Outcome – Ace of Wands
This is a huge green light: fresh energy, inspiration, a new beginning. For jobs, it’s a spark of opportunity, something exciting and motivating. It won’t be “final stability” yet (aces are just the seed), but it suggests you’ll land something that feels like the right step forward — energizing, not draining.

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✨ Overall story: You’re in a place of frustration with school and feeling like your work hasn’t paid off (8P rev). The challenge is making a clear choice and not letting indecision or outside voices sway you (Lovers). The cards say act quickly and boldly toward work (8W), because the loosening of authority structures is in your favor (Emperor rev). Doing so sparks a new job or opportunity that excites you and feels like the right fit (Ace Wands).

Would you like me to suggest a practical action plan based on these cards (like how to channel that 8 of Wands energy into real-world steps)?

OK so what is happening, in fact?

I separated from the Air Force 3 months ago. The plan? Stay with family for 2 months in Pensacola before permanently relocating to Flagstaff, AZ to go to grad school. Sounds pretty cool, yes?

Not much, because now, I've been here for a month and I'm in grad school, but it's lining up to be not the best decision. School isn't as exciting as I thought. I really don't feel like studying. Would rather do whatever the hell at home in my free time and do work instead for the things I already know.

Flagstaff is nice, clean, modern, with much to do and a lot of nature. I like it. But it's missing something. I actually do like a more quiet and less populated place. The nature here is beautiful, but in fact, I've been experiencing more stress than happiness. It's primarily financial trouble.

Supporting myself and my husband is strenuous. The GI bill's payments have not come out in full yet, we're both unemployed, and my credit card debt is rising. Right now, it's more a priority to have financial security. Money really does make the world go round. Thus, I plan to drop out of grad school in this first semester to go work.

Flagstaff does not have many opportunities for IT and networking, but after cleaning up my LinkedIn and aggressively applying to about 8 positions, including Raytheon, DVS, and Link Solutions (all military contractors—except Goodwill, funny, they're looking for a network administrator too), I've scored two interviews next week.

Most of these positions are based in southern Arizona in either Tucson or Sierra Vista at Fort Huachuca. Link Solutions seems very nice. They say my resume matches the skill set they seek and they are "very impressed," which is a surprise to me. Should I get any of these positions, the initial salary is, at minimum, $70,000. That's a monthly paycheck of $5833 or hourly rate of $34-37/hr.

So now my mission is to go for the money. I feel bad about having not done it earlier. I made a plan, followed it, and it did not work. If I had known grad school and moving and financial burden would be this intense, I would have just skipped Flagstaff and school entirely. It feels bad to have gotten here, just for break the lease I signed and say "fuck school."

But there's something missing from all of this, since I separated. No place has quite felt like home. We keep jumping through hoops and relocating place to place without any specific one feeling like it's the one, do you know what I mean? 

But the future looks promising. Wish me the best in these interviews. I need this offer. And when it comes, I'm getting the fuck out of here and starting a new, real life. 

this camping trip is shit

Nothing but constant discomfort. 

It's not like I wanted or asked to be here. the only reason I'm here is because it's my brother's birthday and it's one of the extremely rare times our family is going to be together all at once. 

So here's my designated bitching and whining: no privacy, little comfort, too hot, too humid, too much noise. I can never take air conditioning for granted again.

It's been too long since I lived in a home. Not just some house or dorm or stint for a few months or whatever—a bona fide home. A place of comfort and safety where I've made many happy memories. But I haven't had it since I left Connecticut in January 2021. Four and a half years of not having a place I can truly call home.

Census

 i will call you the census

we may swim cross the fog

and blink for moments seemed

thin and vaporous and twine

curling in a peculiar smoke

flattest lies this plane

of great green and gold leaves

that penetrates the eyes

as it feels an ocean you

beautiful and spinning

what formless shapes can i release

from parted lips that say

this will destroy you

to find heaven in the sun

may be another dimension

into greatest transcendental

for something like self-census

I have a dare for you

no internet for 24 hours

can you make it? 

Inadequacy

well

I hate the ego 

A Distaste

I see it makes sense that I'm not fulfilling every part. Others can do it better.