a new pursuit

today I announced on Furaffinity the debut of my DeviantArt. introducing... AI fetish art! and the response?... overwhelmingly negative. but that's fine, since it doesn't bother me.

I've been making my own art for 10 years now. it's been great. I went in with the whole goal of doing it for me—no matter what someone thinks or says, it is my own, and it should serve and satisfy me first. that's still the case, even here with ai art.

is it soulless slop with no meaning or depth? yes. does it arouse and get me heated? yes. that's why I make art in the first place, ai or not. are you disappointed? good. do you love it? good! there's no need for damage control. bad press is good press. I'm still going to be making normal, human-made art anyway, so if you don't want ai, just ignore it. it's on a different website anyway. 

Work... Why?

work. why does work exist? a third of one's life spent as dictated by the clock, to get money, and money spent to live. money dictates life, it seems. ideally, i'd like to work just whenever. i pick up and put down work whenever i want. i can take a week off if i wanted to, then the next week work 60 hours. i don't get to choose when to work. i technically do, but that puts so many things at risk, neither do i want to degrade my reliability at work. i don't think i can just take time off whenever i want either. ancestral life seems so much better and happier with what work is. the clock didn't control everything, neither did money.

i'm going to take two hours off today and add 2 in the middle of the week. i'll take those two hours off to go somewhere far away and quiet and secluded. but how much longer will this go on? that extra time today is just a bandage on an otherwise horrible wound. i'll end up going to work tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after that, for years and years. i want to quit, but cannot, because it is too late and i don't have the money to just take a trip wherever i want for a long period of time. everything depends on me. will i even feel human after all of this?

difficulty balancing everything

 you talk to yourself now as you sit far away secluded in nature... ultimate solitude. how does it feel? what do you see? who are you? at first i was like "oh this is like when i was hiking at Beale AFB" then something hit. the fact i thought "this is *me* time and this is what i do that's special to me."

what about hobbies? music, photography, that... you used to do them but you masturbate too much, you vape nicotine. stretching? what happened to good habits?is this really how things have come? you can make a change, you can improve your live... it just takes effort and time. have faith in yourself. but there are so many things to fix. where do you start? how? do a lot or a little? do you write down your thoughts and progress and track things or no?

the journal, remember this? you journal a lot and it has seen everything: good and bad and funny and boring and sad memories. maybe try looking into those old journals for guidance. keywords for this whole thing, the plan: stress relief, my space, spirituality, mental health, hobbies, journals, bad habits, day to day peace and calmness. it *is* possible to find joy and peace in life and the present and be grateful and happy. all it takes is the right perspective. just one outlook can change your life forever. it is possible to change your life one day and you can do it, you can do anything.

  

that was a journal entry from yesterday, sunday. but today is Monday, it is 6:30 am, and i am at work. but my morale is low. i don't want to be here. i want to go home and just sleep. i want to have inactivity. some period of time where i truly do not have to do anything. but i can't just stop either. as much as i want to run away for a few weeks, that cannot be done. it seems infeasible, impossible to do such a thing, because if i don't work, then everything goes to hell and everything that has built up and led here will crumble. money really does make the world go round. money allows everything here to happen. if i had more money, i would be happier, i think.

sometimes i feel i have no purpose but to work. my spouse cannot work at the moment. so all the pressure is on me. i left the air force in may 2025. got married in may, left the air force, moved to Pensacola during the summer, moved to flagstaff to go to grad school, dropped out of grad school one month later, moved again back to florida, got a new job at Hurlburt field, new house. thanksgiving and Christmas were annoying, the planning and the family thing. but nothing has defined being here really except work. because if i don't work, my spouse and i can't be here. we can't live if i do not work and put a roof over us and food on the table. solitude seemed to be the most important thing in my life and now it seems to be gone.

when i look back on fond memories in the air force, i don't think about the people, or the work, or whatever. i think of the times i hiked around on the huge empty land on base. or walking around the town i used to live in, Wheatland. the other natural places around i went hiking. spenceville wildlife area, bobelaine Audubon preserve, hidden falls regional park, point defiance, so many lovely places that I've been to countless times. despite the awful mental health problems the air force gave me while i was in, these places felt like a huge piece of me. i didn't know it back then, and even now, i am doing things now that my future self will look back on--will he be fond of it?

glimpses

 i left the air force in may 2025. went to Pensacola for two months because i was going to grad school in flagstaff later with my gi bill. so i moved from California to Pensacola, then from there to flagstaff in august. went to school for a bit but it wasn't my thing. did not enjoy it, and was not the path i needed to do. plus the gi bill wasn't paying enough to support myself and my husband who is unable to work. so then i started a job search and moved to fort Walton where i would go to work at Hurlburt as a network administrator. we move again in November.

then i rented out a house, big house, very nice house. then had to plan for holidays, visitors on thanksgiving and Christmas, and i was just sick of that. but since then, nothing has really defined being here besides work. that's all the meaning and purpose I've found, because if i do not work, everything collapses. before i was married, i lived alone, and had a lot of solitude. it allowed me to make sense of life and everything that was happening by letting me effectively talk to myself, or reflect, or have spiritual health. but since getting married and after moving and dropping out and moving again, and moving back to florida, solitude was such a hard thing to get. it still is.

i would love to just go away for a couple of weeks. go to the great plains and be in a huge grassland secluded from everyone and everything. but that is not feasible, not realistic, because if i do not work, then everything goes to hell. i can't be at home without having the reminder or thought of the fact that i'll be going to work the next day. work being the thing that defines life now is horrible. I've had brief and periodic glimpses of true peace and relaxation out alone wherever--on the trail or out in nature--and i would love to have something like this peace and relaxation be embedded into my daily life, but these glimpses are only that: glimpses. they are so temporary that their weight and value are unable to equal that of the very knowledge that work is all there is...

there is no buffer, little space, little stillness. it was a significant part of life that was mostly taken away. yet now, work is necessity, survival, obligation, and i used to have meaning outside of it. 

there has to be something i can do, even just this weekend. for one whole day, be away somewhere. get up early in the morning before sunrise, and go somewhere far, but not horribly far. 2 hours or less. then i get back home just to sleep. that entire day can be spent somewhere nice. but i don't know many spots around me i can do that.

True solitude

(To chatgpt about one night alone in an RV in remote countryside)

That makes a lot of sense—and you’re putting words to a kind of solitude most people never articulate.

What you’re describing isn’t just being by yourself; it’s acoustic and social invisibility. It’s the freedom that comes from knowing your presence doesn’t leak into anyone else’s world. No ears nearby. No implied audience. No self-monitoring.

“You are not alone if you can be heard beyond what can be seen.”
That’s a sharp insight. Solitude isn’t just visual distance; it’s the absence of consequence.

Why that RV experience felt so powerful:

• No performative layer – You didn’t have to modulate yourself. No “inside voice,” no social compression.

• Permission to be unfiltered – Screaming, being weird, being naked, being loud—those aren’t about shock; they’re about not having to translate yourself for others.

• Contained safety – Unlike hiking, you had shelter, ownership of the space, and no ambiguity about whether someone might suddenly appear.

• Temporary sovereignty – For one night, that space was yours, not shared, not borrowed from public norms.

You’re right that hiking doesn’t give this. Trails are public even when empty. There’s always the possibility of interruption, judgment, or consequence. That keeps part of your nervous system “on.”

What you’re actually craving (and found):

• A private volume of the world

• A place where sound doesn’t travel socially

• A setting where you can regress, experiment, decompress, or just be ridiculous without friction

If you want to recreate this closer to home in the future, the key variables to look for aren’t “nature” or “remote,” but:

• Distance from residences (not roads)

• Sound absorption or isolation (woods, elevation changes, open land)

• Clear ownership or permission (Airbnb, Hipcamp, private land stays)

• A structure you can fully inhabit (RV, tiny cabin, yurt)

This kind of solitude is rare, and it’s healthy. It’s where people reset their sense of self—without mirrors, without echoes, without an audience.

You didn’t just enjoy a trip. You discovered a condition your mind thrives in.

Forest

Forest of what may be called

strands and fibers of I

from which noise, frays along

Bind or join or lash together 

whatever is left of strewn

beaten and worn

and sighing into the fog

with a smile 

and beating them until they are dry

and warm and they smile 

For what is a forest

or a rich man if he is not 

gilded green with drops

rolling down his hills 

and provided the right sound 

may release an avalanche of now 

a new now 

a new now can be here 

dry humor? sarcasm? sass?

 i can't fucking tell with this guy cuz most of the time i find myself just like... feeling defensive? and needing to justify or explain whatever it is?? is it their humor or sarcasm or are they just being an actually annoying smartass?

i do not see myself making friends with this guy

weird attitude

Discourse

Willingly shut the disclosures

of your appetite for what

can be called the pleasant noises

so overmade the volumes

Thus wheels spin of my machine

To where away and far

Basking in the titles I've made

as singular, one, and yearn'd

One of few prisons I've made

I travel and rack my head

O'er the floors up high

Tower of my creations

What I may ask is not

releasing the villain

For he obscures my vision and 

I throw myself down to the ground

To when I return will I hear

disdain or silence or judgment

So do I create false ballads 

of great joy?

Nor will they read the verses 

upon which I dissolved and throe'd

Or perhaps ask and analyze and pick

the grains upon my crown

So ride the wheels through a haze

of intoxicated light and movements

wandering wondering what will

stake within his abode

Atlas's Tarot 9/18/25

Perfect — thanks for sharing the cards. Let’s go step by step with the spread I suggested (situation → challenge → guidance → support → outcome), tying it to your job/money focus:

---

1. Current Situation – 8 of Pentacles reversed
This is the “apprentice” card flipped — feeling stuck, undervalued, or unmotivated in work or skill-building. Reversed, it suggests you’re drained by the grind of school/training, or putting in effort but not seeing the payoff. It matches your feeling of not wanting to be in school and wanting real-world payoff instead.

2. Obstacle/Challenge – The Lovers
On the surface, this card looks positive, but in this position it points to a big decision. You’re standing at a crossroads: school vs. work, stability vs. risk. It may also reflect pressure from others (family, partners, authority figures) who expect you to take one path. The challenge is committing fully to a choice, instead of splitting your energy.

3. Guidance/Action – 8 of Wands
This card is all about momentum. Things can move fast if you act decisively. Applications, networking, interviews — if you focus and put your energy in, things can fall into place quickly. Don’t get bogged down by hesitation; trust your decision and move with it.

4. Support/Hidden Influence – The Emperor reversed
Normally the Emperor is rigid authority (rules, institutions, bosses, school). Reversed here, it shows that a break from rigid structures is actually supporting you — maybe you don’t fit neatly into the academic path, and that’s okay. It can also mean that systems around you (schools, jobs, bosses) may feel unstable, but that instability gives you space to carve your own path.

5. Likely Outcome – Ace of Wands
This is a huge green light: fresh energy, inspiration, a new beginning. For jobs, it’s a spark of opportunity, something exciting and motivating. It won’t be “final stability” yet (aces are just the seed), but it suggests you’ll land something that feels like the right step forward — energizing, not draining.

---

✨ Overall story: You’re in a place of frustration with school and feeling like your work hasn’t paid off (8P rev). The challenge is making a clear choice and not letting indecision or outside voices sway you (Lovers). The cards say act quickly and boldly toward work (8W), because the loosening of authority structures is in your favor (Emperor rev). Doing so sparks a new job or opportunity that excites you and feels like the right fit (Ace Wands).

Would you like me to suggest a practical action plan based on these cards (like how to channel that 8 of Wands energy into real-world steps)?

OK so what is happening, in fact?

I separated from the Air Force 3 months ago. The plan? Stay with family for 2 months in Pensacola before permanently relocating to Flagstaff, AZ to go to grad school. Sounds pretty cool, yes?

Not much, because now, I've been here for a month and I'm in grad school, but it's lining up to be not the best decision. School isn't as exciting as I thought. I really don't feel like studying. Would rather do whatever the hell at home in my free time and do work instead for the things I already know.

Flagstaff is nice, clean, modern, with much to do and a lot of nature. I like it. But it's missing something. I actually do like a more quiet and less populated place. The nature here is beautiful, but in fact, I've been experiencing more stress than happiness. It's primarily financial trouble.

Supporting myself and my husband is strenuous. The GI bill's payments have not come out in full yet, we're both unemployed, and my credit card debt is rising. Right now, it's more a priority to have financial security. Money really does make the world go round. Thus, I plan to drop out of grad school in this first semester to go work.

Flagstaff does not have many opportunities for IT and networking, but after cleaning up my LinkedIn and aggressively applying to about 8 positions, including Raytheon, DVS, and Link Solutions (all military contractors—except Goodwill, funny, they're looking for a network administrator too), I've scored two interviews next week.

Most of these positions are based in southern Arizona in either Tucson or Sierra Vista at Fort Huachuca. Link Solutions seems very nice. They say my resume matches the skill set they seek and they are "very impressed," which is a surprise to me. Should I get any of these positions, the initial salary is, at minimum, $70,000. That's a monthly paycheck of $5833 or hourly rate of $34-37/hr.

So now my mission is to go for the money. I feel bad about having not done it earlier. I made a plan, followed it, and it did not work. If I had known grad school and moving and financial burden would be this intense, I would have just skipped Flagstaff and school entirely. It feels bad to have gotten here, just for break the lease I signed and say "fuck school."

But there's something missing from all of this, since I separated. No place has quite felt like home. We keep jumping through hoops and relocating place to place without any specific one feeling like it's the one, do you know what I mean? 

But the future looks promising. Wish me the best in these interviews. I need this offer. And when it comes, I'm getting the fuck out of here and starting a new, real life.