you talk to yourself now as you sit far away secluded in nature... ultimate solitude. how does it feel? what do you see? who are you? at first i was like "oh this is like when i was hiking at Beale AFB" then something hit. the fact i thought "this is *me* time and this is what i do that's special to me."
what about hobbies? music, photography, that... you used to do them but you masturbate too much, you vape nicotine. stretching? what happened to good habits?is this really how things have come? you can make a change, you can improve your live... it just takes effort and time. have faith in yourself. but there are so many things to fix. where do you start? how? do a lot or a little? do you write down your thoughts and progress and track things or no?
the journal, remember this? you journal a lot and it has seen everything: good and bad and funny and boring and sad memories. maybe try looking into those old journals for guidance. keywords for this whole thing, the plan: stress relief, my space, spirituality, mental health, hobbies, journals, bad habits, day to day peace and calmness. it *is* possible to find joy and peace in life and the present and be grateful and happy. all it takes is the right perspective. just one outlook can change your life forever. it is possible to change your life one day and you can do it, you can do anything.
that was a journal entry from yesterday, sunday. but today is Monday, it is 6:30 am, and i am at work. but my morale is low. i don't want to be here. i want to go home and just sleep. i want to have inactivity. some period of time where i truly do not have to do anything. but i can't just stop either. as much as i want to run away for a few weeks, that cannot be done. it seems infeasible, impossible to do such a thing, because if i don't work, then everything goes to hell and everything that has built up and led here will crumble. money really does make the world go round. money allows everything here to happen. if i had more money, i would be happier, i think.
sometimes i feel i have no purpose but to work. my spouse cannot work at the moment. so all the pressure is on me. i left the air force in may 2025. got married in may, left the air force, moved to Pensacola during the summer, moved to flagstaff to go to grad school, dropped out of grad school one month later, moved again back to florida, got a new job at Hurlburt field, new house. thanksgiving and Christmas were annoying, the planning and the family thing. but nothing has defined being here really except work. because if i don't work, my spouse and i can't be here. we can't live if i do not work and put a roof over us and food on the table. solitude seemed to be the most important thing in my life and now it seems to be gone.
when i look back on fond memories in the air force, i don't think about the people, or the work, or whatever. i think of the times i hiked around on the huge empty land on base. or walking around the town i used to live in, Wheatland. the other natural places around i went hiking. spenceville wildlife area, bobelaine Audubon preserve, hidden falls regional park, point defiance, so many lovely places that I've been to countless times. despite the awful mental health problems the air force gave me while i was in, these places felt like a huge piece of me. i didn't know it back then, and even now, i am doing things now that my future self will look back on--will he be fond of it?
