i looked at a drawing from someone and it reminded me: how much do the stats matter? it always catches your eye. it means you got noticed. sometimes its a well-deserved break that says something paid off. you compare things a little. you look at the numbers between them and your own. at first it is an annoyance. "how come i don't have those same numbers?" then as you continue looking at your own work, you keep looking, you go a bit older, you see how far time has gone.
it has been 10 years since i started making art. a lot has happened in that time, but i'm not sure what to make of it. there was drama, fun, and a lot of interesting moments. met a lot of people, too. that was the goal i had going in as an artist. i became an artist because i didn't want to be a nobody. i wanted to be remembered by someone, or leave an impact or some impression behind. that goal was achieved a long time ago, so i wasn't sure if there was any goal at all after that. it was just, well, draw. spoil myself. just draw what i like and post it. it didn't really matter if anyone liked it or not. i did it for me.
that was the second thing i had in mind. my art was strictly to remain as a hobby. i did make some money off of it but it never got too far. commissions were not a regular thing. the point was to indulge myself on the regular.
it feels odd looking on the past like this. i knew pretty much no one at the start, made art and a community, then got to know a lot of people. and yet... i'm not sure what to make of it. i feel just old and washed up at times. i was 18 when i began the art and now i'm almost 30. i'm getting older and there's other priorities that are taking over. career, marriage, personal, mental, physical, social health. i don't particularly talk to a lot of people online anymore, at least on a regular basis. there's maybe... two at most.
a lot of people have come and gone. I can say much about the people i've met, but that is a long story in itself. i wanted some fame, received it, and now what? i can only keep moving so far, right? or keep doing the same thing for so long? how long will it be until i'm gone for good? sometimes it seems all that is left of me is a chunk of loyal followers and fans and good art but nothing more.
