I'm not sure what to make of yesterday. It all feels like a blur of confusion and stress. Cried twice. Stared at the sun. Wrote a lot of fiction. Significant life events—those too that happen in just one day—are certainly impactful in creating valuable memories. But it's only after enlisting that I never looked forward to the holidays or any yearly occasion.
Great and fulfilling days come to you when they choose to. I don't believe they are scheduled like a holiday or birthday that happens every specific date of the year, every year. If they took place at some other point of the year, what makes them different than any other day? When every day is quite the same and uneventful, and you've grown so accustomed to the unchanging state, you may be hard-pressed to find significance to something simply because of its date.
And when this special day arrives, the festivities that come abruptly will startle you. I had wished to maintain the same level of gentle uneventful boredom, but the phone calls, gifts, birthday wishes. I am grateful for them, but it hurts me too. It is a bitter reminder that you are there for me, but right now, you are not truly here with me. Loneliness, on these special occasions.
In the days and weeks prior, I had forgotten and paid little attention to the fact that this day is different than the rest. It didn't cross my mind to proactively take action by getting as far away as I could. But I did before. Thanksgiving: turkeys, family dinners, vacations, decorations, visitors. Christmas: gifts, cards, "merry christmas", red hats, bells, decorations, products, holiday, vacation, family. The yearly and routinely scheduled noise and chaos. What will I do? Go drive somewhere very, very far away. Place myself on "do not contact" for a while. Seize the day and make something out of it for myself. Reflection in silence.
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