Gifts

    what even is a gift? exists twofold, perspective of the sender and the recipient. is a gift not a gift if it is sent with certain motives? my gift seems more valuable when i make it and give it for the reason of "i just felt like it and i was thinking of you, and giving this is the right thing to do. i'd want anyone to do the same for me." that gift is way better than "i am giving this gift because i feel like it will make me look like a better person in my eyes. i am trying to prove something to myself, that i am generous and thoughtful and worth being remembered, so i will give this to you."

    usually this falls flat and blows up in my face. i go out of my way to draw something, make something. the whole thing feels worthless and embarrassing once i make it and give it. as soon as i do, i just want my thanks, or recognition, or some sort of interaction from the recipient, then depending on what happens, i'll most of the time just try erasing any thought or memory i had of making or giving the gift. it seems deceptive to myself. it's not authentic and not valuable if it doesn't give me the response i want. then is it true that i had wasted my time, if the other person does not know any of this? after all, it is a thoughtful gesture in the eyes of the recipient, even i don't communicate my intent.

    as for the recipient, i can't say much since i'm not in their mind and can see how it would feel to receive a gift. the worst response i think to receive is it being ignored, instead of being declined or being asked why.  the best response to get from giving a gift is to receive one in return. that fuels the earlier notion i mentioned. i could have the reason of giving a gift, expecting something in return (either me expecting to give myself praise or the like, or the other person also making a gift for me). it seems like a poorer reason for me to give a gift and expect anything in return. 

    yet... no gift is really a gift, is it? it is only a transaction. a true gift has no expectations, no recognition, nothing. it is transactional in the sense that an action is performed and some kind of social benefit is returned. what will make this all easier is removing the ambiguity. a gift is really gray and not black and white. i want it to be. the transaction fails or succeeds. i get what i want, or i do not. the wise response is to say "so what?" if the transaction fails and you are not given what you want.

What Can You Do?

    saw one of my internet mutuals post some art, it got so much praise. everyone's fawning over it. i hate seeing that. contributes to an unhealthy relationship with the internet to see someone getting so much praise and love and attention. that may be to discredit myself, who also posts art and has about 1800 followers and i also get praise too but... what is it really worth, when i have other things i am more passionate about than art? do you know what i think is worth more praise? myself. me. recognition for being who i am. someone who loves my flaws. is that even possible? i don't. i feel more aware of identifying myself by my negative traits, that's easier. identifying myself by positive qualities is too difficult. but it may not even matter because reality is primarily subjective and i think the most important kind of love is self love, which i'm not even good at, so... yeah. if i loved myself more, maybe i'd be able to handle this whole situation better.

    part of me says i just do not have an adequate support system. excluding family, there seems to be no one. but for the few that are there, we engage so rarely or have shared so little that i dont even think i'd call it a sufficient amount of support. in the end, you can only rely on yourself to even live.

    i just wished i got a few more thank yous and some expressions of gratitude from my husband too. but nooo, he's been unemployed for over a year, what can he even do? it's not like he can even get me a gift or take me somewhere nice, out of the blue.