Re: Memoirs

     There is some phenomenon that keeps occurring. There was a time I had went hiking nearby in I believe April of last year. Partly cloudy, sunset, perfect temperature. Drizzling, somewhat. I had been reflecting, thinking in deep thought internally. I was not sad or upset or angry, but I had been pondering. As the sun set, one of the brightest rainbows I had ever seen appeared behind me. The weather aligned with my emotions in some way. It had revived and rejuvenated my moods when I experienced this sunset-rainbow phenomenon.

    It happened again I think two months later. Sunset. Go for a walk outside. I felt down--this time it was melancholic, how I felt. I sat on some barrier about 5 minutes away and cried. Drizzling again. I turn around to go back home when... rainbow again. It felt dramatic. I literally ran back home to get my polaroid and I took a photo of it.

   When it happened, it did not feel like a coincidence. It felt like a sign, an omen. I had become emotional or deep in thought, and during sunset, good temperature, and light rain, then a rainbow. The closest thing I could call this is an act of God. I don't believe in God, but something about this made it feel like the only appropriate term.

    It happened a third time this past December, at work. Burnt out, feeling blue, need some air, go outside. Partly cloudy, had rained, only 2 hours until sunset, but there, rainbow. I am even more certain now it was God.

    Fourth time was today (Memoir III). I had wanted to go for a bike ride and have a cigarette and go out before the sun set, so I went to a nature trail down the street. It was a deep melancholy mood, walking in the rain at the river. It was raining heavily and I had my umbrella. Sepia and brown, the color palette of the sky and water and clouds. Rain, sunset, rainbow. I had turned around and gasped at the sight. It happened yet again. The rainbow quickly vanished afterwards.

    What's the connection between all of these events? My emotions are tied very heavily to the weather. Bad weather, bad mood. Sunshine, good mood. Windy, good mood too. I wanted to be a meteorologist too, when I was a kid. There's a link between me and climate. The elements. Fire too is cool to look or fuck around with, I guess? How often I write about clouds and the sky and light, and how often all I need is sunlight to feel better, and even now that I want to move to the desert to get more of it. That's all this can be about...

Nature Memoir III

 How these rapids so violently attack the trees. As the sun sets, a pale beige grades at the sun to stone gray on the opposite edge of the horizon. Thinly overcast, rain pouring. It compliments the speed of the current. The flood rose the banks of the river. Lush green on the hills, through the moss like dense earth carpet and ferns exploding out of the trees and soil.

Suddenly, the sunlight intensifies. Brighter, yet still pale. Coffee cream color. The river roars louder. As you listen, it is deafening. So pleasantly the water drowns--drowns out noise and clamoring of everything. Just as you see it, hear it, feel it, brighter still. Sepia. All becomes sepia. Golden gray. Milk chocolate colored water. White gold vegetation. 

And when you turn around, there it is. Breathless. A rainbow, the band of color arcing over the stone sky. The clouds break away just a patch of blue, a clearing, a hole in the sky. The rain thins. Yet just as quickly, the rainbow vanishes. If you had not turned, you would not have seen it. It all was so complete. Sacred. As the rainbow disappeared, everything in this moment finally drew to its close.

Nature Memoir II

When you look up, what do you see? Haze diffuses the sun like a lampshade. In faint patches you can see just briefly the blue of the sky, yet it hangs high enough that the clouds float under them in the foreground. The wind is so still, how frozen in time the clouds become. Like snowflakes, how unique the tops of them puff out and upward, with each billow and roll and reach creating these definitive edges and shadows.

The bottoms of the clouds are so uniformly flat as if the knife of God had cleaved them off. And if you look hard enough, you can just barely see radiating swathes of light break brighter in the haze closest to the sun. And the one large bird who flies like a silent Icarus. A black triangle, bending and twisting. As you walk and stand, and stare, the passersby, how they don't seem to exist anymore. How you wish they were never visible at all. A passing glance towards you, a nod, a peculiar smile, and yet... you wish you were further away. Wandering in the meadow, with no soul to remove you or even slightly pull you from the sky immersion.

You become a plant. Unified with the earth, this shared silence, peace, and warmth that brings you energy and death simultaneously. Gradually, it feels like oblivion. The most peaceful oblivion, what everything you can find in nothing, how heaven is where you want it to be right here, right now, with that nothingness in everything that consoles you.

The equilibrium of all and none produced by simply looking at the sky. Not in the faces of people. Not in your frail body. Not in the wrinkles, the blisters, the voices and eyes and mere presences of the people, but the infinite, timeless, and forever-where of the very thing you stand upon and under. 

Femboy Music!!

 

It's my gay happy music!! 

Wavy News 19-003

The democrats are pushing their kinky paths of destruction 

Eyeless

Sun shines forever

Through your self and strike me down

I am blessed blinded

Remind

 When I close my eyes,

cast through beautifully gray

patches and splotches

I drift or fade.

Such cool silence

beating and caressing

shining and dimming

deep upon the lids.

Such breaths

O, so pleasant an'

how I cry to feel your chest rise

and the tears down when

I hear sweetening silence

of your speech, love.

Take my hand and remove

this fear of flying you hold.

A few  miles away

is a gate or a door

A window

to peaceful ends.

Hour of the Wind God

    I went out with my drawing pad thinking I would go out somewhere to go draw. Instead, I kept driving and drove to a kind of unpaved trail out on one of the roads on my base. It was partly cloudy out and extremely windy, with a high wind alert for sustained winds of 30-45 mph and gusts up to 65 mph.

    I was playing the soundtrack to Hylics 2 as I was out here, and some parts of the path had been flooded from the heavy rain last night and this morning. I avoided them by wandering out in a field. But the sunlight, the rolling hills, the heavy wind, it was incredible. I was alone for acres and acres in the middle of what looked to be nowhere, with such breakneck winds pushing against me. Then I started playing Moonage Lobotomy by Chuck Salamone.    

Standing in heavy winds with arms outstretched. That was me.

    I had my bomber jacket open and with the sun shining on me through the clouds, and the wind blasting into my jacket, I felt like some kind of wind god. The tall grass rolling like a current. How I could lean my weight forward with my jacket open and the wind would keep me up. And the music, so rejuvenating, energizing.

Okay, it wasn't that heavy. But I'd enjoy it even more if it was.

    It felt amazing. I could jump backward or forward and I could feel the force of the gusts push me further backward. And I would laugh as I ran into the wind. So alive. I didn't get to draw like I expected, but I got something better. And wet socks, too. (Had to walk through some deep puddles of water just to get back to my car fast enough...)

Bear witness to the wind god.

Later that day it was still windy way into nighttime. I was working out in my garage when I heard just how loud it was, the wind. So I went out again, this time with my gay flag strapped around my neck like a cape. All flying and shit in the wind like some hero or something. And then I played Moonage Lobotomy again and man, the fuckin gay energy walkin down the street, lol.

12/20/23: When Do We "Grow Up"

[Incomplete entry of when I went outside running and laughing in the rain]    

This transitions to a question I'm thinking of. As adults, we are expected and hardwired into behaving in particular ways. At what point does this childlike sense of fun, wonder, and awe go away? While it does not fully vanish, there must be some point in which we realize we are not children anymore. My little stint yesterday made me feel like such a child, and it was so fun, yet now in retrospect, I think on it as something dumb and stupid, even a little embarrassing, yet charming. 

    

1/3/24: What Did YOU Do?

[Incomplete entry]

I watched a video today of some kid breaking a record in Tetris for highest level achieved, this one. And he's just some kid, setting records and milestones. And when I watched it, sure it was fascinating on some technical level to see the game's code break, but what irked me was the question I formed: what are you doing?

The internet as a whole enjoys what is rapidly digestible and palatable. Visual art, games, streamers, trendsetters, sensationalism, drama, glamour. Emotional, artistic, and entertaining appeals that are easy or fast to consume is what the internet feasts on. It would appear that—as the separate world it is from reality, robbed of tangible things and physical existence—the opposite is not interesting to them.

The aforementioned appeals spread easily to wide audiences. But in the tangible and physical world, there are nuances of real humans, body language, social life, careers, livelihoods, survival, money, travel, etc. Constructing a theory to try to comprehend mutual and exclusive interests between the two discrete worlds, unify the goals and capabilities of both, and identify a distinct boundary between the two is to compare apples and oranges. It's not very easy or worth doing.

Don't overthink it. Your personal achievements and history and real-world actions are seldom impactful on the whole of the internet, where your own identity is never the same as reality. Between individuals however, despite the limited impact, at least there is one.