Far Removed

    I did in fact do something during Thanksgiving. Initially, I was going to go hiking somewhere specific, but I went somewhere else instead. I didn't tell anyone here where I was going. It was a long, 9-mile hike. Spent 4 hours moving, 5 for breaks and photo ops. Longest hike I ever took. Hips were sore as hell the next day. Worth it.

    The drive back was beautiful and I was in an incredibly positive mood. I couldn't have felt better on Thanksgiving, by just separating myself so far away from everyone. Even the people on the trailhead I bumped into who said "Happy Thanksgiving" to me I wanted to hiss at. Maybe when I go somewhere for Christmas, if I do go hiking (which I am certain of), I will be sure to choose a place that is so far removed that no one ever will say anything about Christmas to me. Yes, just go hike, move out to a remote place and turn the phone off and just move.

    And you know something? Once the weekend was over and I came back to work, a few people asked, "Did you do anything for the weekend,"  and my answer was always no or not much. Despite what I did do, in retrospect, it still was not important to say anything. What I do in my personal life during the weekend did not impact anyone else who asked. I think what I do in my personal life in general has little to no effect on the others around me. They could know nothing of what I do for fun or whatever, and that wouldn't do much anyway. At least that's what I think.

Dissociation

     Go to work today. Become hyperaware of what everyone is doing. This guy is checking his email. Two others standing around talking about some drivel. It's meaningless. Everything is meaningless and everyone is too. We have our morning discussion and our leadership rails us about poor security practices that we're doing. That was the bad news they mentioned up front. Good news they mentioned afterward was the flight commander's wife gave birth to a healthy baby girl. (Wow. Congratulations. Our morale just sunk, and that news does absolutely nothing for us. I don't care about the damn baby. Never mind my thought how ridiculously stupid everything is now, but to make me feel better personally, the baby is great!)

    Already in a somewhat low mood, with a lack of mental stimulation in the work I do until lunch. I wrote the word "nothing" repeatedly on a journal page until it filled the entire page. The journal is littered for about two pages about how worthless I think everyone is and then I turn the knife onto myself and call myself pathetic and nothing. Take lunch.

    But when I come back, things are different. Something is not right. Nothing is real at this point. Everyone feels like actors or NPCs running on scripts. I am performing actions but I don't feel in control of them. I am a machine or robot moving and my real self is only watching it through a screen. I wander somewhat aimlessly to different rooms and stand idly. My head, what is this feeling? I feel incredibly detached and remote and absent. There is no me. There is a shell that looks alive but nothing inside of it. Stuck in a dream. An unfamiliar familiar caste to everything.

    I sense something is wrong and I leave. I start moving and I feel like my eyes are higher up and behind my body looking down, as if I were taller and had a wider field of vision. It's similar to the hallway in Willy Wonka that everyone goes down, and the room's walls shrink to the tiny door at the end. I bump into some of my leadership and he tells me I'm doing a good job and he says he appreciates me. I wanted to ask "Were you supposed to say that?" or "You were going to say that," because it felt like an NPC dialogue, a scripted interaction in a game.

    I leave and call my mom to get a reality check and tell her I am dissociating. I feel like I'm on the Truman Show. I feel suspicious of everyone I see. I only have some peace by being far away from everyone and staring at the sun and the grass. After some talk, she mentions some of the trauma I have and behaviors I exhibited when I was younger, and it makes sense to me that my dissociation now was reflecting that.

    Her call helps me, since I at least have someone to listen and talk to. I'm still hyperaware when I return to work. Still suspicious of my surroundings and my own behavior. How I too am part of these meaningless movements.

    Once work ends, I don't emote at all. I do not speak unless I am spoken to. I don't laugh, don't smile, don't cry. Then my shop and I play sports as part of the required PT, some ultimate football. That takes me out of my spell, but here we are now. Can't the day end right now, and I sleep, and magically sleep easily and undisturbed and heavily? How I could, just like the game, give my body a command to sleep and it does so and I can fast forward to the next day? Not sure what to do or think now. The autopilot mode ended, but now I'm just trying to find a way to be present, here, now, grounded in reality and emotion.

(I could tag this with the negative label but I'm not since I didn't feel as negative during this experience or writing about it as I did others) 

Holidays

    Was never a fan of the holidays since I enlisted. Even in general, being in the military, you are separated from friends, family, home. You are never at home. You may be at a house or dorm, but it is never a home. A place you can settle down for long term, where you know all of the roads with no GPS because you've been here so long. You know the good food places, the interesting shops. You make lifetime memories and more. But this is no home.

    And it costs money, time, to go see your friends and family if you are not stationed near them. Not everyone has the pleasure of having friends or family with them during the holidays. I've come to associate the holidays with dread because it is that stark reminder that you are alone and separated from home. 

    When I did have the chance today to ask someone to join me for Thanksgiving, it was exciting. I thought of what I could cook. Chili, the amazing chili I made a few days ago and froze. We can have burgers! And mashed potatoes, or mac and cheese. I got a grill, so we can barbecue! I have my PS2, my switch too. Games! Food! Fun. So it was nice and I was thrilled. But later that day, he texted me to say that his relatives invited him to Thanksgiving and he wouldn't be joining me.

    And it was the greatest let-down today. Greatest let-down in a long time. The chance I had at having fun and being happy during the time I always somewhat hated, squandered. So maybe if I reach out to someone else, they will surely be free and I can have a guest in my house finally. Also a no. They're going to visit family. Try a second person. No. Family. Third person, no response so far. I also expect them to say no.

    Each of them say they appreciate the thought, but it means little to me. It is still no. It is still a rejection. And to twist the knife further, my roommate is invited to join in Thanksgiving with two other of my coworkers, but I was not asked either. "You're not invited," I interpreted it. A few give their blanket statements that whoever is alone for Thanksgiving can join them, but that's no personal outreach to me. It takes someone asking me specifically for it to have meaning. That someone thought of me in particular, rather than just anyone in general. It's unfortunate that I admit it sounds like entitlement. I know I am entitled to nothing. Yet the gesture, the thought. Even if I were asked, and I still said no, I would have enjoyed your concern. It has greater meaning for me to be the host and take you into my "home." What sentiments and items are important to me, where I live, for you to experience. You get to see who I am. And yet...

    You won't get to see it. I won't get to share a piece of myself like I wish. And you don't want to share with me who you are. And their backs are turned to me when I do have the courage to ask them to join me either. So maybe you will now see why the holidays are not a good time of the year.

Nothing

Sometimes I wish I didn't have to think about cooking anything ever. Sometimes I wish there were just one single magic food but I could consume that fulfills my appetite and nutrition and then I would never have to have anything else. No indecisiveness on what to buy for dinner. No cravings. In fact, I wish I never had to consume anything. Become a ghost and never have  physiological concerns, a need for sleep or hunger. No physical fitness, no sickness, no sleep, no hunger, just... existence itself, as a bodiless free thing.

I was decent and chipper after the sports with my coworkers. Go to the store to get stuff for the nachos I wanted. Then suddenly I lose all emotions and I become depressed. Then I lose my appetite. I don't want nachos anymore. I don't want boxed dinners. No frozen thing either. I'm not in the mood for anything. I don't want to eat anything. Maybe just have a nutrition shake and call it a night.

Silent

Yesterday morning, prior to an anxiety attack, a coworker came to me while I was sitting alone and he said, casually, "What's going on? You look depressed."

Minutes ago, I was sitting alone listening to ambient music, idle in deep thinking, and another coworker came to me and said, "Hey, Del, you look dead."

One week ago, I went to sit and eat at a restaurant alone, rather bummed to be alone (melancholic, yet doing okay), a third coworker bumps into me and remarks, "Is anybody with you? You came here alone?"

Something, something about it. When I am alone, people I know feel inclined to come interact and remark, all with good intentions and to not be rude, yet...

I ask you to leave me in peace. Do not say hi. Let me take in my self, my environment. Do not remove me from my reflecting, my pondering, my deep thinking. In silence, I recover, but your interactions, your remarks, remind me of the very issues that stress me. If you were to simply walk past me, I would have my peace.

The Most Magical

     The week of 10/28 - 11/4 has been the most eventful and incredible weeks of the year, if not my life, so far. Two Saturdays ago on 10/28 my boyfriend, Mark, visited me. He's a Canadian who lives in Winnipeg and this was his first time in the US. I met him twice before, each time visiting him in Canada. First during February last year, and again the following Christmas. Each of those visits were remarkable and beautiful on their own, but this most recent visit is the best of the three.

    After I picked Mark up from the airport, we went to my house. If you remember the previous longform post "Dangerously Wicked and Intriguing Times in Fornia" then you would know I moved out of the dorms. I spent the day before his visit quickly unpacking any remaining decorations and furniture. The house was staged completely by the time he arrived. The weather was gorgeous the entire time here. Temperate--not too hot, but not cold either, just warm enough. And the smile on his face when I gave him a bouquet of purple roses. We got a blanket out and laid in the grass in my backyard. Those quiet, intimate moments lying together. Lying with my love and looking into his eyes. I wish I could have those again forever.

    We visited the store a while later to get groceries and things to prepare for dinner, breakfast, lunch. Mark and I watched a whole bunch of different things. The Kirby anime (a great archive of it I had stumbled on from Reddit), Animal Yokocho, Great Teacher Onizuka, Bunny Maloney. That evening after dinner, we rode our bikes. Riding our bikes was one of the things we wanted to do the most. It looked so picturesque and beautiful and fantastic in my dreams, but it turned out a little more silly and janky than expected. My bike had a flat tube that I inflated and tried to ride out. (It was a success.) Mark had my other bike, the pink one I built, with the shitty wheel that tilts left and right because it isn't tight on its axle. Despite how crappy that was, we still rode, during the sunset. Such beautiful golden green light reflecting off the grass. Temperate air. And our favorite musician, June LaLonde, running on my bluetooth speaker. The dream, it finally came true. Cheesy, but so romantic. We rode to the elementary school nearby where we got off the bikes and walked around holding hands. Then we sat at a bench nearby and watched the sunset.

    Despite my boyfriend not even having been in California with me for 24 hours, it felt like he was here forever. I felt so much love in that moment just sitting quietly and watching the sunset and holding him close. I could have proposed there on the spot, I feel like. I felt a bit bad though, knowing that by him visiting, I would have to eventually say goodbye to him too.

    We returned to the house and watched some more shows, then went to bed. Sleeping with my boyfriend is such a heartwarming thing. To be close to the person you love most and feel their breath and the warmth of their body and to kiss them goodnight and not even having to say "I love you" to feel the love itself.

    Next day. We went to the gym together. The workout went quite well. I'd like to take him to the gym with me more often. And working out always feels better for me when I do it with him. Doing anything with him makes me feel better. After exercise, I cooked some pork fried rice. Came out a bit messy and poor, but decent for a first attempt. I enjoy cooking and want to do it more often. Cooking is a good skill to have, after all.

    More TV, some other things. The Narrow Head concert was a flop because neither of us bought tickets early, which were that day sold out and resold tickets cost $60 apiece. We settled for a different band, Choses Sauvages and Bright Light Social Hour at Harlow's in Sacramento. It was Mark's first concert. It went great, actually. He enjoyed it a lot. The lead singer of Choses Sauvages, Felix, had this great energy and stage presence. The band reminded me of Talking Heads. Bright Light was nice too.

    On Monday, we packed up and went to BLFC, the furry convention, in Reno. Scout around and get a feel for the con before unpacking into the hotel reservation we had on the 26th floor. We registered, went to the arcade and played some rhythm games, where Mark mopped the floor on some of the games. Played Smash Melee too. The arcade was quite nice--a whole room full of CRTs and retro game consoles. I do miss that feel. Afterwards we unpacked and just roamed around the convention before eating. That night there were a few panels. "Macro meet", "furry themed parody songs" (something something I wanna be inflated). "Getting your kink on". That panel was actually very informative and intriguing, talking specifics about the definition of a kink and its role in society and individuals. Way later that night were some other panels. Monsterfuckers. 18+ panel of slideshow of monsters and eldritch looking creatures with dicks and pussies and the crowd all cheering and doing a smash-or-pass vote.

    Tuesday was the magic day, the peak of the week. We went out, where I got a fast food breakfast and afterwards went to get groceries at Walmart. Went to the vendors that afternoon. Super busy. Saw a lot of nice stuff, stickers. Lots of stickers. Got a good amount of things here. Saw some vendor called F-Class, with this super cute mascot named Niko. I think we went to some panel after this, but I don't remember. In fact, I know I had my fursuit going to some panels, and got a couple compliments on my skirt. Another guy wanted to take a video of me then gave me his business card after. Was it after the inflation parody song? After the shopping, we went to the room again to take a break and eat and relax. We watched some of Felix the Cat. During the movie, the both of us ate the magic mushrooms I had brought. (See "Times in Fornia" for more.) 

    The mushrooms had hit me I think an hour later while I was in the shower. There's some video I recorded of my trip. There didn't feel to be a lot of visuals, I think. The grid pattern on the curtain was moving. But otherwise, it was extremely reminiscent of my LSD trip last year. The swollen heart and emotions, the derpy mood, the playful and energetic stuff. We played Kirby. The jokes and laughter destroyed our lungs. So many memes we quoted in the video. The mushrooms affected Mark much later than me. I peaked at 7 or so, but for Mark, this happened much later at 9. This was only after we tried to go out to eat. It was comedically difficult to leave the room. We tried so many times but we, high as hell, were sure the room was locking us in.

    Johnny Rocket's was a fail. Too busy. Mark looked very uncomfortable and was having a bad trip but I felt sober enough to bail us out. That's when we met Raoul Duke on the way back to the room. Yeah, a guy who was dressed as the character from Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas. He played the role extremely well. He was smoking a blunt too. Very personable, talkative, magnetic. He kept Mark and I very engaged in conversation with many well-thought questions. It was the most interesting thing to happen that time out of the room.

    But we returned to the room having not eaten, only to just deal with eating the sandwiches we could make. Not the most appetizing, but it is our only good option. Then Mark peaked on the mushrooms. Turned into a kid. Random, energetic, bouncy. He looked like a living cartoon. The rest of this time was fuzzy. We watched a lot of trippy things in our trippy videos playlist on Youtube. Little else I remember.

    I had some incredibly deep moment on the shrooms. Talking about life, breath, love. I don't even remember specifically what I said, but it felt to me the most important thing ever. I do remember saying I felt connected to the entire earth and its great unified consciousness. I thought I forgot the watch I was going to propose to Mark with. He was expecting a ring, but I told him I didn't get him one. But it was so moving that he told me was already going to say yes whether there was one or not. About half an hour later I recalled that I did in fact have the watch packed in my bag. I stopped Mark and proposed then and there in the hotel room. I asked the magic question and he said yes. Hugs. Looking at the watch. An endearing embrace... and then much later that night as the come down came to us, we left to the only panel we saw that night at midnight: Pokemonfuckers. Same deal as last night but instead of monsters, pokemon. Smash-or-pass on the hot and lewd pokemon.

    Wednesday... we ate breakfast, packed up, checked out, left stuff in the car to continue roaming the con. Went back to the vendors when it was less crowded. Got some new stuff. The black market was 18+ vendors. Saw some very nice things. Very tempted to get some stuff from there but I chose against it. I did get a book called Spacebun though, some adult graphic novel about some astronaut bunnies fucking each other. I did get some other things too but they don't come to mind. Mark and I went to the sticker swap before we left. God, there were so many stickers. I loved it. So many collectibles, NSFW and SFW! I wish I could have gone back there later to get even more, but time cut us short. We had to go to the airbnb.

    The airbnb is a cabin in the boonies of Grass Valley, CA. We could have taken a rough road for a few miles down one way, something that my sedan surely couldn't handle. Alternative: cut through the quarry. That sucked. My car got stuck in gravel but we got there okay. Quaint, peaceful, secluded. The rest of the week we were there, we took it easy. Watched Emesis Blue. Played a lot of Kirby, including Star Allies which I bought on a whim when I went to Target for groceries. Earlier that day (Thursday) we went hiking at my favorite spot, Black Swan Preserve. Showed Mark the cave, the lake, the ravine, the cliff. He enjoyed it a ton. We ate some subs by the ravine. It was so lovely. I'd love to take Mark on a hike again. Friday was a quiet day too, with a lot of gaming. And feeling a bit sad because that was the last day.

    Saturday, I dropped Mark off at the airport. Tried not to cry when I did drop him off. The rest of that day I was really sad. Cried several times. I felt like a piece of me was missing. But then that would mean he's carrying that piece of me, and so he would never be alone. But everyone supported our engagement so much. Everyone was happy for us. This time was truly unforgettable. I distinctly remember when before I proposed to Mark, I told him that that day was the best day of my life, or it was understatement, because every day I am with him is the best day of my life. I know that will be coming to me soon. Next year, absolutely. I'd like to marry him next year. Everything is going to change forever, I said to him during our whole trip. And I certainly can't wait.

Crackwhore Explosion

 This is my fictional punk shoegaze band. There are three albums...

(Biography and images by ChatGPT, biography edited by me)

Crackwhore Explosion, a punk shoegaze outfit hailing from the industrial heart of Waterbury, Connecticut, burst onto the scene in 1991, leaving an indelible mark on the local underground circuit. Comprising founding members Dakota "Heyman" Scott (vocals/guitar) and Casey Lee Wray (bass), the duo laid the foundation for a sound that would resonate through the genre's echelons.

Inspired by the emerging shoegaze movement and the rebellious ethos of punk, Crackwhore Explosion quickly expanded to include drummer Clark "Milkshake" Kincaid and guitarist Aubrey Williams. The quartet's chemistry was electric, forging a sonic identity that melded distortion-soaked guitars with frantic atmospheres and comedic, if not outrageous, lyrics. After assembling the 4-piece band, Heyman was said to have called the group "some people with a little taste for irony."

Throughout the '90s, Crackwhore Explosion became synonymous with the raw energy of Connecticut's underground music scene. Despite their small size, the band's DIY approach and penchant for pushing sonic boundaries garnered them a dedicated local following. Their live performances were frenetic, with Heyman's intense vocals, Wray's pulsating bass lines, Milkshake's thunderous drumming, and Williams' immersive guitar textures creating a sonic landscape that captivated audiences.

In 1992, Crackwhore Explosion released their debut EP, "Dog Biscuit," a brief yet impactful glimpse into their unusual sonic world. Tracks like "Raised by Hippies" and "Drivememad" showcased their ability to balance aggression with ethereal textures, setting them apart in the burgeoning shoegaze punk scene.

The band faced the challenges inherent in maintaining an independent presence in the music industry, but their commitment to authenticity and artistic integrity prevailed. Over the years, Crackwhore Explosion continued to refine their sound, releasing albums such as "Connecticut Sex Cult" (1994) and "Super Evil, Wicked, & Unusual" (2000), each demonstrating their evolution within the punk paradigm.

By the mid-2000s, Crackwhore Explosion had become a symbol of resilience and innovation within the Connecticut music scene. The band, having left an indelible mark on local audiences, decided to part ways in 2006. Their legacy lives on in the hearts of fans and the echoes of their sonic experiments, a testament to a small but influential chapter in the history of shoegaze in Waterbury, Connecticut.